YES, I GOTTA GO.

I don't know how else to put this.
It's taking me so long to do this.
I'm falling asleep and I can't see straight.

My muscles feel like a melee,
My body's curled in a U-shape.
I put on my best, but I'm still afraid.

Propped up by lies and promises.
Saving my place as life forgets.
Maybe it's time I saw the world.

I'm only here for a while.
And patience is not my style,
And I'm so tired that I got to go.

Where am I supposed to hide now?
What am I supposed to do?
Did you really think I wouldn't see this through?

Tell me I should stick around for you.
Tell me I can have it all.
I'm still too tired to care and I got to go.

I get to go home in one week.
But I'm leaving home in three weeks.
They throw me a bone just to pick me dry.

I'm following suit and directions.
I crawl up inside for protection.
I'm told what to do and I don't know why.

I'm over-existing in limbo
I'm over the myths and placebos
I don't really mind if I just fade away

I'm ready to live with my family.
I'm ready to die in obscurity
Cause I'm so tired that I got to go.

Where am I supposed to hide now?
What am I supposed to do?
You still don't think I'm gonna see this through.

Tell me I'm a part of history.
Tell me I can have it all.
I'm still too tired to care and I got to go.

-NURWATY YAZID

jerk (–noun) - a contemptibly naive, fatuous, foolish, or inconsequential person.

after understanding what it means, i thought to myself, i was even worse than a jerk. people may not know what is the matter with us. wait, let me rephrase that, people may not know why is the author of this blog is gonna delete this site and move on to another.

people may think (or may not) that, he's only a jerk what. why until wanna delete the blog? so over siak. this is where i come in. im gonna put away my pride/ego or whatever u guys wanna call it. kental or what not. I DONT CARE.

i have not been a good boyfriend for the past 6 years. the only thing that kept us alive is her ongoing love for me, chance after chance that she had given me, year after year she had been waiting for me to change for the better. and what did i do? i changed. but not for long. after she starts being head over heels for me again, i became the usual self. i chatted with other girls, met other girls, messaging other girls, giving good morning/night messages, giving kisses through the phone which i was suppose to do to her. instead, she will be the one saying, "i love you" at the very end of our conversation. EVERY SINGLE TIME. what did i say? it will be different when time goes on actually. first i would say, "love you too". and after a while, "me too". and then, "ok". the very worse is when i just hung up the phone.

so, after the first paragraph, do i need to explain further how i mistreat her? u guys may get the point but this is 6 years im talking about. if i can do this, i can do a lot WORSE. she will be calling whenever she get the chance to. and if i dont answer the phone, i would just tell her off and say "later i call u back lah". which i dont. and when she wait and wait and cannot wait further, she will call again. i would say, "eh jgn call2 boleh tak?! @#%%@". see? now tell me, which of u girls can take it what i did to her for 6 SHITTY YEARS I HAD BEEN GIVING HER?!

I ALWAYS TOOK HER FOR GRANTED

we even took turns getting even with each other until i dont realise that i was the ROOT cause of all these. i cheated on her first. but what did i tell my closest friends/family when she cheated? i blamed her. ALL THE BLAME ON HER that i became like this when actually i was the one who created all THESE. and everytime when she just snapped out of it and dont want me anymore, i'll be that guardian angel trying to win her back. telling her this will be the last time i would do this. which u know, it wont be the last time. so tell me, when this thing happen again after we got engaged. who would have the right mind to give in AGAIN?! i wouldnt if u ask me. still, i do this. dont wanna let her go after she already made up her mind not to be with me. to call of the engagement. and there was i, BEGGING FOR FORGIVENESS. AGAIN. i feel like slapping myself.

this is not just another bf/gf relationship that im trying to save. im trying to save the engagement. to whoever who came on that day would know that she felt really happy and she would thought that at last, i changed. but, sadly.. as u know, i didnt.

this entry was not created by force. this is entirely me, Edd that goes by the name of Muhammad Syamil. after writing all these down, i just dont know how to even forgive myself. HOW ON EARTH DID SHE DO THAT? how can she forgive me when i did all these to her? look at how strong she is. IF one day, she really decides not to continue this relationship with me, pls, let her future bf/fiancee/husband read this entry and know that she is that loving, kind, forgiving. EVERYTHING. dont be STUPID like me.

if there are any grammar errors, i just dont bother to correct it. as long as u understand what im trying to convey in this entry. i may left out some points that led to the break up. feel free to ask me even more. i just wanna let her know now that, i love her so much.

i love you nurwaty yazid, whatever your decision may be.

yours sincerely,
edd

this is edd.

i've been a jerk lately. i made my baby so sad, she wanna leave. but i cant let that happen can i?

so,

IM SORRY SAYANG

sape tak sayang bini oiiiiiiii. alright that's all. back to sleep.

(PS: THE REV DIED! HES MY FUCKING IDOL GODDAMMIT! OMG!)

HELLO EVERYONE,
I AM NOT USING THIS BLOG ANYMORE.
yes, you've heard it from me. BETOL NI WATY CKP.

PLS STAY TUNED IN YOUR BLOG'S TAGGY FOR MORE DETAILS BEFORE THE TABLES ARE BEING TURNED TO ME, THIS BLOG IS BEING DELETED AND THE PROBLEMS BEING SHOVED UP MY ASS.

FOR THOSE WHO DOESN'T OWN A BLOG BUT STILL WANTS AN UPDATE PASAL KORG KAYPOH, MASOK JE BLOG KAWAN KAU YG ADER LINK AKU AND CHECK TAGGY DORG. SYG KORANG LAH. ISH.

LOVE,
MATILDA DAHLING <3<3

ps: yeah i go fix hair extentions. prettay or wat.

haha!!

taken from yankaykay's tweets:

"How a person eats is an indication of how he/she is in bed. Go figure.

On the eating tweet. If he takes food for u n makes sure u have food n u've enough, it prob means he's giving n considerate.

If he eats noisily or sloppily it might indicate he's likewise in bed too. Nothing to do w swallowing la u guys! Lol

Though if u eat really fast, it could mean u're always in a hurry n just wanna get it over n done w.
So the next time u dine w someone u fancy, take time to observe. It might/might not be accurate :) "

HAHAHAHA. omg?


ok bye.

eh?
EH???

EH?? i got blog ah?
i forget.

anyways, tyrantula had a great gig last saturday at cineleisure.
THEY WERE AWESOME.

byk glitch jugak lah, like amie tak bergerak, edd nyer hi-hat tak functioning well, ben nyer bass wire i accidentally stepped on beh terputos while concentrating on snapping. BUT WHO NOTICED? NO ONE, but manager kecik. (pfft. goodbye post.) COS THEY WERE AWESOME!!

there were alot of support from the pple that stopped by to watch.. awesome.
but wads more important is to have the support from the close love ones.

eh. im sorry. i have no mood to blog abt that la. i was abit 'disturbed' abt sumthing.

on a lighter note,
im busy preparing ngah's wedding guestbook n practicing the henna pattern i will be doing on her malam berinai. yes i volunteered everything, (no i did not self promote myself, but i was approached by the bride) cos i was taught n brought up to 'give while you can', n i love her alot cos i've known her before and after she met abg iz n im so happy for them that they're getting married. its always nice to see sumone get together and get married in the end.

mine's still a looong way to go. insyAllah. Amin.

i wud love to upload tyrantula's pictures that i took but im sorry, like i said im abit 'disturbed' about sumthing.

masok facebook beh view lah gmbr dorg.

sumthing happened last nite. i was in such confused state.
i dunnoe if was dreaming or it was really there.
a pontianak was moving back n forth at the foot of my bed.
i actually SAW it move. n i cant move n i scolded her to get out (in my heart lah, i canot talk to it). which she did by heading out the window.
and then i continued sleeping with a heart rate of a sprinter.

i mean cool lah kan there's sumone to watch you sleep. BUT WADAHELL its a pontianak?
i've blog before that i've NEVER saw it inside my house, let alone my room!! it'll always be only a cry or whimper outside the window n the next door neighbor's dog wud howl. ni dlm bilek. tau lah tkder org solat dlm bilek tuh but what she wants? my hair? my fake hair extentions that keep? my eggs? my ovaries? to be my slave? food? shampoo? baby? i got no baby in my tummy! who sent? want to take wad?
wad she waaaannt??!!

im not scared. honestly. throw me in the jungle/cemetery alone for the night i'll survive without peeing myself. the oni thing i'll be afraid of is babi hutan or dogs. if im ever acting scared when u bring me to dark places, its just me being manje/ngada2/girlish. I AM NOT SCARED OF GHOST. IM just, ANGRY.

i do not, i repeat, DO NOT LIKE TO BE WATCHED WHILE IM SLEEPING unless u just had sex with me n u think i looked beautiful sleeping on your chest/arm/tummy.

k bye.

hi. im old.
wanna hear abt my weekends?

ok.
12dec was the date every party-goer i noe gets zouked out.
i was at edd's place getting zonked out.
1st, mum n family left me to fend for myself. even grandma left me alone to join them. how sad.
2nd, the plan was to go to work, let edd rest after coming back from work, me to finish work, meet edd, get changed, go out sumwhere.
but! turns out i have to stay at his house the whole day watching american pie and playing games. i kinda enjoyed it. told you im old.
and then 3rd, came the call from my grandma that 'she is not going home' becos the rest are 'checking in a hotel at changi for the nite'.

so i slept over at edd's house. cos i was to scared to be home alone on menses nite.

and then it was sunday. i was woken up by edd who wanted to sleep beside me on his bed cos his "..badan saket *muke busok*..". (he was sleeping in his gaming room's couch cos he was watching soccer) i continued lying there with him for a minute until i realise that 'hello?? sesuke hati pe nak bareng2 sesame, sukeeee mak tengok!'
haha. so i got up groggily then edd ask me "u nak gi mane?" and i just went out n continued sleeping outside. i woke up at 10am. dat was like almost 11hr of sleep man!
shiok. not a very good example to show ur future MIL. lol.
so i quickly bangon n mandi lor. and then taktau nak buat ape so i kemas the gaming room. like how i will only kemas my own room n leave the other room in the house messy cos 'i never made that mess'.
and then few hours later edd woke up.
and then he never mandi and continued playing games while i sat there like a stone. his mum left him for a jemputan. but she cooked so at least im saved. we ate for awhile before he continued his games again. and then i accidentally imagined my future with him, being attacked by zombies playing soccer on the rooftop while carrying my baby on my back. thats when i realised i was falling asleep.
so i told him i wanted to "..bareng skejap." and got his permission so i went into his room n slept, only to be woken up a few minutes later cos he was putting his body weight on me.
thats when he sed i actually slept for 2 whole hours. even his mum came back home from jemputan k.
sesungguhnyer aku teramat burok. da pukul 3 petang.

he then told me to mandi becos im smelly already. i went to toilet without towel cos i didnt plan to shower again. so he knocked on the toilet door asking me whether i needed a towel anot.. -_- so ok lah mandi laaa.
pls note he himself had not mandi since morny.

got ready n went to lot 1 where we bought a couple of unneccessary stuff. got home, he played games again while waiting for his sister to bring back the car.. and off we went for tyrantula's jamming session. i was upset cos edd cudnt play Muse drums that well.. tsk. but its ok, he'll improve.. i love ziela's voice n amie's solo. md noh n ben tkyah ckp uh. im glad they agreed to stick with sum powermetal in the end..

after jamming, we ate near mustafa center n went around mustafa center to get my favourite candy that ziela intro-ed me to before edd sent me home. my beddddd... my sweet smelling bloodstained bed. weird how i never stained other pple's bed but mine.

da. i love my weekend.